I find myself feeling my age lately.  Yeah, 35 isn't old but I look around me and I feel so out of place.  The bar gets set lower and lower.  I keep thinking about feminism, progression, politics, human rights....issues that surround our daily lives whether we realize it or not.  I've realized that the more progress we make, the more setbacks we suffer.  It's as if alpha and omega will always be at odds, never achieving a harmony of any kind....and this cycle feeds off of the very chaos it creates.  Meeting in the middle seems to have sailed out the window and it's nowhere in sight.  Does anyone understand the reasoning, the "gray" area?  It pains me to see because on one hand we have those standing up for their right to live as their true selves without bias.  The other?  Those who refuse to open their minds and accept what they do not understand.  Those of us in developed countries are, for the most part, ignorant.  We are arrogant fools that think we know it all.  We talk about sexuality and gender in absolutes.  Well, what about the Bugis?

I was watching Andrew Zimmern's Bizarre World the other night, where he took a trip to Sulawesi, Indonesia.  While speaking about their culture he explained how the Bugis, a large ethnic group in the South Sulawesi area, recognize 5 genders.

YES......FIVE. 

Naturally, this perked my attention right up, as it clearly challenges the gender definitions we recognize on a societal and scientific level.  I decided I wanted to read up more on this and found this article.

Here are the 5 definitions of gender they recognize:

oroane- Otherwise known as "male-men".  

makunrai- Otherwise known as "female-women". 

calabai- effeminate males that, while physically male, adhere to the societal expectations of being female

calalai- masculine females that, while physically female, adhere to the societal expectations of being male

And finally, the bissu.  The bissu are revered, possessing both male and female qualities at once, people we might consider bisexual, transsexual or transgendered in our culture.  The bissu are often revered as shaman, holding a high status in their culture.  If they are born with both male and female genitalia it is considered a blessing.  Seems unreal, doesn't it?  But it's not, and I think it raises a lot of questions, and possibly answers, about how we define others and ourselves through our beliefs about gender roles and gender identity in general.

I'm sure a lot of society would ask how in hell you could have more than two genders.  It's a perfectly reasonable question, as most of us define our gender according to what lies between our legs.  For many, we're quite fine with defining our own genders based on that, myself included.  However, this gender-and-sexuality-are-one-in-the-same philosophy pushes us to question whether or not our sexuality isn't necessarily a sexuality, but perhaps an actually gender.  Chaz Bono was on Chelsea Lately recently, giving his first interview since beginning the process of gender reassignment.  In his own words, "Gender is between your ears, not between your legs."  I realize that this is a very fluid philosophy without a lot of grounding, but I think that's what scares people the most.  That free-floating fluidity mirrors the very spirit of the individuals that blur and challenge generally accepted gender roles and biases in society.  It's an idea that deserves thought and inquiry by our society, but I'm not holding my breath.

By nature we are either fascinated or frightened by what we don't understand...mostly the latter, in my humble opinion.  Hell, we live in an age of general paranoia and germaphobia.  If we are so willing to panic over everything the media spoon feeds us, we sure in hell aren't ready to explore this multi-gender phenomenon....at least, not in our own backyard.  It's always safer to observe from a distance, ask anyone.  While that distance is necessary for some, I would love to sit down with the Bugis and ask them a million questions about their gender beliefs.  I'm endlessly curious and I'm fascinated by their ideas and way of life when it comes to gender.  I think there is a lot we can learn here, whether we believe ourselves to possess gender fluidity or not.  For one, this proves that male and female gender biases and roles have been blurred and redefined for hundreds of years, possibly longer, without the aid of modern media influences.  Two, gender roles and biases will always be challenged.  As long as we recognize ourselves as individuals and not as some mere extension of genetics born to fulfill societal expectations, we will challenge the status quo.  And finally, we are more than our genitals.  While I know that I am a heterosexual woman, it's not because my vagina decided it for me.  It may have defined me at birth as a female, but my nature and my choices define me as a woman.  Not society's definition of woman.  MINE.  I am me.....and that's all that anyone needs to know.

A 6-year old boy was suspended from school for having a camping tool.  Really....go read about it here.

Suddenly, 6-year old boys are being suspended and facing 45 days in reform school for BRINGING A CAMPING TOOL TO SCHOOL.  

ARE THEY SERIOUS???

It was one of those tools that function as a fork, spoon or knife.  He was exciting about joining the Cub Scouts and decided to bring it to school to eat lunch with.  Anyone with half a brain in their head could see the logic in this.  When my kid got his first light saber the first thing he asked me was whether he could bring it to school or not.  So why is this situation a big fucking deal with the school?  Because apparently, last year a third grader was expelled from the same school for coming to school with a birthday cake and a knife her grandmother provided to cut it.  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LITTLE ONE.  YOU'VE JUST BEEN EXPELLED BECAUSE NANA THOUGHT YOUR CAKE SHOULD BE CUT BEFORE EATING IT.  ENJOY YOUR SEPARATION FROM EDUCATION AND SOCIETY AT LARGE.

I have a few questions for these school administrators.  First off, what the hell is happening in Newark, Delaware that they need to hold 6-year old kids to a zero tolerance policy that requires them to go to reform school for bringing a camping tool or knife to cut a cake to school?  REFORM FROM WHAT?  I recommend reform for these administrators because they are over-reactive, paranoid head jobs that need to come back to earth.  If there is a problem with knives with birthday cakes, enforce a rule that has parents bringing in the cake and cut it.  Or, how about cupcakes?  Everyone loves cupcakes and there are no knives required.  And the camping tool "problem"?  How about you just confiscate it and have his parent pick it up?  Or, they could always go the other way.  Take all of the pencils away because, you know, they have sharp edges and some kindergartener could go postal and stab the teacher in the foot.  Maybe they should ban scissors, too.  Some second grader may get the need to cut a bitch.   Let's get rid of the staplers, too.  You never know when some pesky 4th grader might viciously staple someone to death.  And since we can't trust the teachers, either, we should take away all of their sharp implements as well.  Sorry, Mrs. Crabtree, no letter openers for you, because you might accidentally fall and stab Sally Sunshine in the tummy.  And forget about your smoke breaks, hand over that lighter!  We don't need you burnin' down the school now, you hear?  

I realize I've gone a bit far here, but you get my point.  How far is this all going to go?  How long are we going to allow everything to scare us into living in a hole away from "danger".  I hate to tell people, but the world isn't that much different.  The difference now is press coverage.  We watch the news and become afraid of everything.  We agonize over the tiniest shit now and it's hindering the quality of life across the board.  I'm not saying some of it isn't justified to a degree, but how the hell do we raise our children to be risk takers if we can't do the same?  We don't need the Taliban or anyone else to terrorize us because we're doing a fine job of it on our own.  

God forbid our kids feel the tiniest bit of pain, disappointment, heartbreak, anger or discomfort.  Don't walk over there, Johnny...you might fall!  Sally, stay close to me!  Don't climb on that, you'll fall and break your neck!  How many of us climbed trees, walked along the tops of fences, rode our bikes in the streets and ended up just fine?  It's like we've gone from a society that accepts 90% risk to one that is obsessed with the preventing the other 10%.  Self-preservation is understandable, but at a certain point it goes too far.  And this school did just that.

There is a reason I am writing about this.  I think this story should serve as a cautionary tale.  Not as a lesson about "weapons", but as about where we are headed as a species if we don't stop self-terrorizing.  I'm not saying we shouldn't make informed decisions, as we all should.  I am, however, saying that we need to tread carefully and make sure we are not raising a future society filled with decayed minds and empty lives.  Let your kid climb that fence....and let him fall.  He'll thank you for it later.

I've deciding I'm writing one single letter, publicly addressing everything.  The rumors, the infighting, the years of bitterness.....I'm fucking done with these people.  I'm going to have my say, tuck them back into the dark corner they came from and never deal with this again.  I told my mother that this is why I don't have these people in my life and she is finally starting to see the light.  I didn't care for them then, I don't care now.....and they will finally hear it from me.  I already know how I'm going to deliver the message.  I know what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it.  I know how much of a shit storm this will cause, too.  In fact, I'm counting on it.  Let the tongues wag.  My words will be in black and white, plain as day for the entire family to see.  For once in their gossip-driven existence, they will not be able to mince words.  May they eat them just the same.

"Say goodbye, it's such a horror

My memories, there's nothing harder

Anger and hatred fill the page

So smash the walls, it's time to rage"

-A.D.I/The Horror Of It All by Anthrax, 1987

Nothing of note happened, really.  I was playing games on Facebook, where I have all of my real life childhood/high school friends.  Sometimes I look at their status updates and for whatever reason I am whisked back to the days of never quite fitting in.  Don't get me wrong, I had friends.  I'm actually still close to a few of them.  However, I still get these feelings of inadequacy when I see their updates.  I suppose an easy lateral would be that it's a direct reflection of how I feel today.  Their lives appear to be in control, with jobs, money, good looks and such, where mine is a day-to-day struggle with money, health problems and no job.  But it's not just that, either.  

I'm different from them.  I was different then and I'm different now, but on another level altogether.  I've come to use the internet as a way of expressing myself in as raw a state as possible.  It's cathartic in ways I can barely express.  When I express myself in this manner on Facebook?  Completely different reaction than I get here.  Naturally, I've been blogging here a long time so it goes without say that some will be taken back by my words.  Still, it's strange to see some of the reactions I get.  

It makes me wonder if it's me, or it's them.  Maybe a little bit of both.  I've been honest on Buzznet in a way I haven't been anywhere else in many years.  I feel comfortable unleashing the rage/sadness/bitterness/sarcasm here.  People here understand that a person isn't necessarily having a breakdown if they rant hardcore or cry emo into their journal.  My real life friends on Facebook?  A different story altogether....and I've known the particular people I am referring to most of my life.  It's not like I haven't been known to rage or purge my feelings in real life.  It's one of my telling traits, to be totally blunt about it.  So why the big surprise on their part?  Is it because we don't see each other on a regular basis?  Is it because they are wrapped up?  Is it me?  

Really...is it me? 

Maybe I am nuts.  Maybe I am certifiable.  Last time I wrote a journal there, I poured out my feelings of frustration.  Life had me in a tight spot and I sorely needed the vent.  The results?  One friend telling me I should go to a house of worship to help quell the inner beast and another one got on the phone with a friend because she was frightened for me.  Truthfully, the second friend was completely in her right because we hadn't talked in 15 years and she had no idea what was up with me.  I talked to her and explained to her that this is what I do when I need to vent.  No filters, pure rumenation.  The other friend?  I thought she would know better.  She is a person I was once very close to and she's backed away from me.  Somehow, my shit storm of emotions might bring her down.  She also emailed me to say that she was there for me if I needed to talk.  I simply said "Thanks" and walked away from it.  I can't share myself with someone whom I've known since I was 7 that will simply tell me to go to church when I am at my wits end.  It's not bad advice, but it's impossible to connect with someone who distances themselves from you when you are at your most vulnerable.  I can't say I'm surprised, as it was always more of a one-sided friendship anyway.  When she had her crises, I was there by her side.  When it comes to me, it's like I'm some radioactive force that shouldn't be approached.  I'm going to be 36 years old this year.  The older I get, the more I ascribe to the old adage "I'm too old for this shit."  And I truly am.

Perhaps it was a bad move to post any blogs on Facebook.  The most fucked up part about it is it feels like a rejection.  So many of us blog because what we feel can't be said to the people in our real lives....or in many cases, we don't want to.  It's like high school.  The minute I post something that freaks people out, the feelings of inadequacy come back.  Suddenly, I am 14-years old again, getting laughed at or ridiculed because they think I'm a freak.  So I default to the knee-jerk reaction of going silent to avoid further scrutiny....and I hate it.  

Again, I'm getting older.  With age, I have developed a lower threshold for bullshit than ever before.  Perhaps as they get older, they have a lower threshold for mine.

Fair enough.  

I'm tired of grown men like you who get butt hurt about something I said and then hide in a corner or expect me to stroke your bruised ego back to it's arrogant state.  Is it my fault you are clocking near the 40 mark and burned your brain all these years into a bigoted oblivion?  When you use phrases like "kike", "dyke" and "nigger" in public forum, I'm going to express my concern and displeasure.  You weren't always this hateful.....what happened?  I always thought highly of you...now, I have no idea what to think.  I want to keep calling you friend, but I can't abide this.  I won't. 

I'm not asking you to completely revamp your mind in a nanosecond and conform to what I consider to be ideal or "correct".  All I ask is for you to ask yourself why you hold such hatred.  I've known you too long, I know that underneath your exterior lies a sensitive and caring person.  My friend.  So please, don't allow such hatred to fester.  It taxes the soul and robs you of your conscience.  At least think on it, if only for tonight. 

Blessed be,

Your lifelong friend. 

I AM GOING TO FANGIRL OUT IN THIS POST, WITHOUT APOLOGIES.

It's not often that a band comes along, blows me away and becomes part of my soul.  I know, very cliche' sounding, but true nonetheless.  Instead of giving you a largely technical and vanilla write-up about their career, I decided to recount my journey to loving this amazingly talented British trio.  

I first heard of Muse, believe it or not, from Patrick Stump.  I was watching a countdown of favorite videos on Youtube and his was "Knights Of Cydonia".  

I thought the beginning of both the video and song were so weird I just clicked it off.  I thought Patrick was having an aneurysm or something because he sang the praises of this band.  After that, I gave them not a second thought.  That is, until my friend Mimi talked about going to see Muse in Mexico.

No One's Gonna Take Me Alive

I then had second thoughts about Patrick's aneurysm, because Mimi has stellar music taste.  Nonetheless, it remained a passing thought and I went on with life.  Then, Santa Claus brought something interesting into our lives:

86 Days....

Having an 8-year old son has it's privileges....like indulging my your inner child.  While playing on Christmas Day, my son started playing Assassin.  THAT got my attention.  I absolutely loved the song the first time I heard it.  This is when I decided to take a closer look at Muse.  I went to Youtube and looked them up.  I watched "Assassin" live and was blown away by how good they performed live.  Living in the age of Autotune, I don't expect many bands to actually "sound" like themselves while performing live.  These guys?  A different story altogether.  The next video I played was "New Born".  This is where everything changed:

It was, literally, love at first listen.  The magical tinkling of pianos complimented by a warm, soothing bass.  Matt's gentle voice building to an explosion of heavy, frenetic guitars and deep, twanging bass that harkens to the "Evil Empire" era of Rage Against The Machine.  As a rabid fan of rock, metal and classical I fell off the deep end, completely and irrevocably in love.  I immediately went to my iTunes and downloaded the album "Origins Of Symmetry".  Just when I thought "New Born" was pure perfection, I listened to the rest of the album.  "Bliss" is self-descriptive.  "Citizen Erased" thick and lush.  Space Dementia...GAH, this song is gorgeous.  Think Rachmaninov meets 90's alternative rock in outer space.  The tense, dour verses and impassioned piano movements give way to a chorus of subdued falsetto, only to throttle you back from whence you came.  The rest of the songs on this album?  Incredible.  In my very humble opinion, this album belongs in your music collection.

From there I bought a couple more of their albums.  Absolution.  Black Holes And Revelations.  Allow me to add these to the list of albums you must have in your collection.  Although I don't own all of their albums (yet), I plan to buy more.  I can honestly say, I can't remember the last time I was that impressed with a band's body of work.  It's unfortunate that so many American people only know Muse because "Supermassive Black Hole" is in Twilight. (over in Europe, these guys are a big deal, and with good reason)  As much as I love that song, they have so many other great songs that deserve listening.  Dark Shines, Megalomania, City Of Delusion....actually, I can't think of a song that doesn't deserve a listen.  

Honestly, I could write a million reasons why you should listen to these guys, but part of the joy of music is discovery so by all means explore the sights and sounds Muse has to offer.  If you enjoy them half as much as I do, then my work is done here.

Muse will be making their American television debut on the MTV Music Awards on September 13th, performing their first single from their upcoming album, The Resistance.  The Resistance drops on September 14th.

  
MUSE

Honestly, I didn't put a great deal of thought into this.  I decided to go on my knee jerk reaction to each question and pick the first song that came to mind.  Let's play.....

1. Song that mentions (at least) one city: NYC by Interpol

2. Song from your childhood or song that makes you think of your childhood because of the lyrics: Wonderful by Everclear (this doesn't represent exact details, but definitely one song that makes me think of my home life)

3. X-Mas song: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses

4. Song that makes you think of a person that means a lot to you:  Silent Lucidity by Queensryche

5. Male/female duet: If I Close My Eyes Forever by Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne (why the hell did I think of this one?)

6. Song you've formerly misunderstood the lyrics to:  Live Wire by Motley Crue (no lyrics of note, pretty much the whole song)

7. Song with 'rock n roll' or 'rock' or 'roll' in the title: Planet Rock by Afrika Bambataa & Soul Sonic Force

8. Song that comforts you: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

9. Song with a hidden meaning (like sex, drugs etc): Mr. Tambourine Man by Bob Dylan

10. Cover song (that you like more than the original): All Along The Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix

11. Song you used to hate/not like but grew to love/like: Knights Of Cydonia by Muse

And for extra credit ...

12. An instrumental song: The Call Of Ktulu by Metallica

I don't have a BOX account and I wasn't feeling all that ambitious, so I compiled a playlist instead.  I hope this will do!

Luscious Jackson are mostly known for their alternative radio hit "Naked Eye". Their music style is eclectic, mixing elements of jazz, hip-hop, alternative rock and pop flavored with the multicultural influences of their native New York City. This unique mix of influences gives them a distinct sound that is decidedly urban, delivered with a feminine touch that is never "girly"....and I mean that in the best way humanly possible.

Breathy vocals, hip-hop beats, warm bass lines and funky keyboards were a regular part of their creative repertoire, but they always borrowed freely from whatever inspired them. Their range is most apparent in songs like the ultra-urban funk of "City Song", the pop-influenced groove of "Naked Eye", the old school hip-hop beats of "Let Yourself Get Down" their distortion-rich, low-fi tribute to vinyl in "LP Retreat" and their new wave/hard rock inspired "Fantastic Fabulous".

Honestly, I can't help but love this fearless foursome (yes, I went there.) These ladies not only thought outside the box musically, they delivered with beautiful results. Although they only released three studio albums, their catalog represents the what is musically possible with so many influences in such a small space. While I don't expect you all to love them as much as I do, I can't help but hope that you will.

note:  EMI disabled embedding of LJ's videos on Youtube, so here are the links:

Citysong

Deep Shag

Naked Eye

Ladyfingers

Not Fuck.

Fat.

I was flipping stations in my Jeep a little while running errands with my mother. They were reporting live from Washington at the NAAFA Convention (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance). I heard arguments from both sides of the fence and, quite frankly, I think I would have imploded had I been sitting there for that conversation. Now I'm not delusional. I am very obese and I understand how it affects my health all too well. I admit that freely and I would never argue that. However, I am contesting the polarizing ideal that all fat people are the same and should be categorized as thus. The last time I checked, not every thin person is healthy, so why should we assume that every fat person is unhealthy? Not all thin people are created equal, so it only makes sense to assume the opposite is true as well.

I have questions for those pro-health/anti-fat "professionals":

-Why is it that I am morbidly obese with a 177 cholesterol reading and my friend that is lean and fit has high cholesterol? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

-Although I was much smaller in high school, I was still considered overweight according to WHO standards. I ran 3 miles at the beach with my friend, while it was snowing. Why did my leaner, more toned friend gasp for air and stop a dozen times along the way? Granted, I had youth on my side, but shouldn't my friend have done better than me by those standards?

And lastly, do you consider the ramifications of your public polarization of fat people? It's bad enough that many of us have a hard time getting the job because we may not be as visually pleasing to the eye as the newbie college grad in the lobby, now you are handing out "professional opinions" that give employers license to discriminate. FUCK YOU for doing that to us. Most of us are just like anyone else, possessing reasonable levels of intelligence, many employable skills and making positive contributions to society. I'm tired of people like you looking at us like we don't have brains in our heads because we are fat. Didn't your mother ever teach you not to judge a book by it's cover? There are as many reasons for being fat as there is for being skinny. For shits and giggles, I'll list some examples:

Reasons one might be thin:

lifestyle

genetics

drugs

alcohol

eating disorder

surgery

health problems/disability

medication

Reasons one might be fat:

lifestyle

genetics

drugs

alcohol

eating disorder

surgery

health problems/disability

medication

Hopefully, I've made my point. If it isn't patently clear by now what I'm trying to say to the "pros" out there, allow me to be more clear: STOP THE ANTI-FAT CAMPAIGNING. IT DOESN'T HELP YOUR AGENDA IN ANY WAY. IT ONLY SERVES TO POLARIZE MANY PRODUCTIVE, INTELLIGENT CITIZENS BECAUSE OF THEIR APPEARANCE AND ENCOURAGE DISCRIMINATION AGAINST SAID PEOPLE. IF YOU WANT TO BE A CRUSADER FOR HEALTHIER CITIZENS, START WITH THOSE WHO HAVE NO FOOD, HOME, JOB OR HEALTH INSURANCE.

/capslockrape

For those of you who got this far, thank you for reading my rant. I do have a personal vested interest in this issue, but this isn't all about me. I'm passionately against anyone who prejudges people based on their appearance, be it the color of their skin, how much skin they have, etc. The next time you see a heavy person, ask yourself this:

-Can I tell by looking at this person if they are on a diet? The reason for this question is that a person could have lost 50 lbs and still have more to go. You can't tell by looking at them, yet they are on their way to their happy weight.

-Is this person less deserving of respect, kindness or employment because of their size? And if so, why? If you actually ask yourself this question and come up with an answer, let me know. I'm truly interested in whatever you come up with. and finally:

-How would I want to be treated if I were that person? No brainer, if you ask me....

Love to all of my fat, skinny and in-between friends. Instead of inserting a "it's the heart that matters" sentiment, I ask you to join me in a big two-cheek salute to the idiots in Washington. I'll even bring the lipstick...

note: Here's an eye-opening link for those who are not well-versed in the struggle obese people have with the current health system. http://www.naafaonline.com/dev2/about/Brochures/WeightBiasPolicyRuddReport.pdf

I saw a nutritionist this week and was put on an elimination diet.  Given my GI history, we need a baseline of sorts to see if we can figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.  So far it's been ok, but I've been feeling like fucking crap.  I hate writing this, but I'm frightened.

I'm very fucking scared because I've been so damned inactive.  My sleep has been shit, so my energy has been shit.  If that isn't bad enough, I'm very worried about some symptoms I've been having.  Getting the shakes if I don't eat enough, feeling confusion....I distinctly remember these symptoms when I had gestational diabetes.  I am frightened that I have it and I don't know what to do.  I've had other symptoms as well.  I talked to my doctor about them but he didn't seem concerned.  I think I have to write him a note and follow up.  I'm so fucking frightened that I'm too late to help myself and that I'm about to go down shits creek, sans paddle.

On the brighter side of things, the diet is really helping with my GI discomfort.  It's not perfect, but it's enough of an improvement to make me stand up and take notice.  As much as it's a comfort to me that I might be headed in the right direction, the other symptoms have me rattled.  This, of course, could explain my crappy sleep. 

I need to call my doctor in the morning.  I need to find out what's up.