Dimensional Journies Droppings Of A Perennial Misfit

Dimensional Journies: Droppings Of A Perennial Misfit

I've come to the conclusion that as much as I would like to leave those high school insecurities behind, they find a way to rear their ugly heads every once in a while.

Nothing of note happened, really. I was playing games on Facebook, where I have all of my real life childhood/high school friends. Sometimes I look at their status updates and for whatever reason I am whisked back to the days of never quite fitting in. Don't get me wrong, I had friends. I'm actually still close to a few of them. However, I still get these feelings of inadequacy when I see their updates. I suppose an easy lateral would be that it's a direct reflection of how I feel today. Their lives appear to be in control, with jobs, money, good looks and such, where mine is a day-to-day struggle with money, health problems and no job. But it's not just that, either.

I'm different from them. I was different then and I'm different now, but on another level altogether. I've come to use the internet as a way of expressing myself in as raw a state as possible. It's cathartic in ways I can barely express. When I express myself in this manner on Facebook? Completely different reaction than I get here. Naturally, I've been blogging here a long time so it goes without say that some will be taken back by my words. Still, it's strange to see some of the reactions I get.

It makes me wonder if it's me, or it's them. Maybe a little bit of both. I've been honest on Buzznet in a way I haven't been anywhere else in many years. I feel comfortable unleashing the rage/sadness/bitterness/sarcasm here. People here understand that a person isn't necessarily having a breakdown if they rant hardcore or cry emo into their journal. My real life friends on Facebook? A different story altogether....and I've known the particular people I am referring to most of my life. It's not like I haven't been known to rage or purge my feelings in real life. It's one of my telling traits, to be totally blunt about it. So why the big surprise on their part? Is it because we don't see each other on a regular basis? Is it because they are wrapped up? Is it me?

Really...is it me?

Maybe I am nuts. Maybe I am certifiable. Last time I wrote a journal there, I poured out my feelings of frustration. Life had me in a tight spot and I sorely needed the vent. The results? One friend telling me I should go to a house of worship to help quell the inner beast and another one got on the phone with a friend because she was frightened for me. Truthfully, the second friend was completely in her right because we hadn't talked in 15 years and she had no idea what was up with me. I talked to her and explained to her that this is what I do when I need to vent. No filters, pure rumenation. The other friend? I thought she would know better. She is a person I was once very close to and she's backed away from me. Somehow, my shit storm of emotions might bring her down. She also emailed me to say that she was there for me if I needed to talk. I simply said "Thanks" and walked away from it. I can't share myself with someone whom I've known since I was 7 that will simply tell me to go to church when I am at my wits end. It's not bad advice, but it's impossible to connect with someone who distances themselves from you when you are at your most vulnerable. I can't say I'm surprised, as it was always more of a one-sided friendship anyway. When she had her crises, I was there by her side. When it comes to me, it's like I'm some radioactive force that shouldn't be approached. I'm going to be 36 years old this year. The older I get, the more I ascribe to the old adage "I'm too old for this shit." And I truly am.

Perhaps it was a bad move to post any blogs on Facebook. The most fucked up part about it is it feels like a rejection. So many of us blog because what we feel can't be said to the people in our real lives....or in many cases, we don't want to. It's like high school. The minute I post something that freaks people out, the feelings of inadequacy come back. Suddenly, I am 14-years old again, getting laughed at or ridiculed because they think I'm a freak. So I default to the knee-jerk reaction of going silent to avoid further scrutiny....and I hate it.

Again, I'm getting older. With age, I have developed a lower threshold for bullshit than ever before. Perhaps as they get older, they have a lower threshold for mine.

Fair enough.

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Comments (5)

	starlorsummers: 10/04/2009 9:48 AM i think on buzznet people are used to people posting stuff that might be a little emotionally intense, whether it's a photo or a journal or whatever, so when you post something that's expressing what you're going through, people accept it more. i think facebook just has a different culture and brings out a different side of people (their "omfg, look how drunk adam got last night!" side, for instance). i dunno. i hardly ever use facebook anyway. i've been meaning to delete mine but haven't got around to it.
	annier: 10/04/2009 10:08 AM I feel totally different about Buzznet than how I feel about Facebook - I have Facebook account because I wouldn't keep in touch with some people if I didn't - and also my daughters tend to post most of the family photos on there. But it's Buzznet I look at first thing every day and if I was worried about something I would be far more likely to post on here - in fact i definitely wouldn't on Facebook!
	I Am Jack's Smirking Revenge: 10/04/2009 11:53 AM I definitely do not post what I post on BN on Facebook. People really don't get it and I hate getting 10 "whats wrong?" comments from people I know don't care. On BN I know people who feel the same way I do and I know some who actually do care. Its so different. I think its easier to share with total strangers because you don't have to care what they think and if they reject you, who cares? They don't even know you. It hurts to be rejected by people you've known for years because I guess you have this feeling that they might be superior and that they somehow know who you are. Of course they're not and most of the time it doesn't matter how long you've known them because they don't know you at all.
	sappysuperunknown10: 10/04/2009 2:12 PM I know exactly how you feel. The things I've shared and said to people here in buzznet are things I can't even begin to imagine saying to anyone in real life. I've tried talking about it with other people but they just don't seem to care or understand it at all. It's their problem Sue, not yours. And I don't even knowwhy I have a faceboook honestly, just to talk to people I can't talk to otherwise I guess but I've never liked it.
	Kerri Berry: 10/04/2009 8:18 PM I know exactly what you mean about how different things can be between facebook and buzznet. There are things I just can't say without freaking people out where as, here, I can pour my little heart out and people understand in a completely different way. The fact of the matter is that I can be way more honest and open with people on here than my own friends. That makes me rather sad to think about.