Screwed blue and tattooed, mofos....

It's been a long while since I've done this.  Just sat here with my keyboard and let the thoughts flow.  My head has been full and it needs bleeding so desperately.  It's not that it's bad or good...just full.  

I find myself feeling my age lately.  Yeah, 35 isn't old but I look around me and I feel so out of place.  The bar gets set lower and lower.  I keep thinking about feminism, progression, politics, human rights....issues that surround our daily lives whether we realize it or not.  I've realized that the more progress we make, the more setbacks we suffer.  It's as if alpha and omega will always be at odds, never achieving a harmony of any kind....and this cycle feeds off of the very chaos it creates.  Meeting in the middle seems to have sailed out the window and it's nowhere in sight.  Does anyone understand the reasoning, the "gray" area?  It pains me to see because on one hand we have those standing up for their right to live as their true selves without bias.  The other?  Those who refuse to open their minds and accept what they do not understand.  Those of us in developed countries are, for the most part, ignorant.  We are arrogant fools that think we know it all.  We talk about sexuality and gender in absolutes.  Well, what about the Bugis?

I was watching Andrew Zimmern's Bizarre World the other night, where he took a trip to Sulawesi, Indonesia.  While speaking about their culture he explained how the Bugis, a large ethnic group in the South Sulawesi area, recognize 5 genders.

YES......FIVE. 

Naturally, this perked my attention right up, as it clearly challenges the gender definitions we recognize on a societal and scientific level.  I decided I wanted to read up more on this and found this article.

Here are the 5 definitions of gender they recognize:

oroane- Otherwise known as "male-men".  

makunrai- Otherwise known as "female-women". 

calabai- effeminate males that, while physically male, adhere to the societal expectations of being female

calalai- masculine females that, while physically female, adhere to the societal expectations of being male

And finally, the bissu.  The bissu are revered, possessing both male and female qualities at once, people we might consider bisexual, transsexual or transgendered in our culture.  The bissu are often revered as shaman, holding a high status in their culture.  If they are born with both male and female genitalia it is considered a blessing.  Seems unreal, doesn't it?  But it's not, and I think it raises a lot of questions, and possibly answers, about how we define others and ourselves through our beliefs about gender roles and gender identity in general.

I'm sure a lot of society would ask how in hell you could have more than two genders.  It's a perfectly reasonable question, as most of us define our gender according to what lies between our legs.  For many, we're quite fine with defining our own genders based on that, myself included.  However, this gender-and-sexuality-are-one-in-the-same philosophy pushes us to question whether or not our sexuality isn't necessarily a sexuality, but perhaps an actually gender.  Chaz Bono was on Chelsea Lately recently, giving his first interview since beginning the process of gender reassignment.  In his own words, "Gender is between your ears, not between your legs."  I realize that this is a very fluid philosophy without a lot of grounding, but I think that's what scares people the most.  That free-floating fluidity mirrors the very spirit of the individuals that blur and challenge generally accepted gender roles and biases in society.  It's an idea that deserves thought and inquiry by our society, but I'm not holding my breath.

By nature we are either fascinated or frightened by what we don't understand...mostly the latter, in my humble opinion.  Hell, we live in an age of general paranoia and germaphobia.  If we are so willing to panic over everything the media spoon feeds us, we sure in hell aren't ready to explore this multi-gender phenomenon....at least, not in our own backyard.  It's always safer to observe from a distance, ask anyone.  While that distance is necessary for some, I would love to sit down with the Bugis and ask them a million questions about their gender beliefs.  I'm endlessly curious and I'm fascinated by their ideas and way of life when it comes to gender.  I think there is a lot we can learn here, whether we believe ourselves to possess gender fluidity or not.  For one, this proves that male and female gender biases and roles have been blurred and redefined for hundreds of years, possibly longer, without the aid of modern media influences.  Two, gender roles and biases will always be challenged.  As long as we recognize ourselves as individuals and not as some mere extension of genetics born to fulfill societal expectations, we will challenge the status quo.  And finally, we are more than our genitals.  While I know that I am a heterosexual woman, it's not because my vagina decided it for me.  It may have defined me at birth as a female, but my nature and my choices define me as a woman.  Not society's definition of woman.  MINE.  I am me.....and that's all that anyone needs to know.

A 6-year old boy was suspended from school for having a camping tool.  Really....go read about it here.

Suddenly, 6-year old boys are being suspended and facing 45 days in reform school for BRINGING A CAMPING TOOL TO SCHOOL.  

ARE THEY SERIOUS???

It was one of those tools that function as a fork, spoon or knife.  He was exciting about joining the Cub Scouts and decided to bring it to school to eat lunch with.  Anyone with half a brain in their head could see the logic in this.  When my kid got his first light saber the first thing he asked me was whether he could bring it to school or not.  So why is this situation a big fucking deal with the school?  Because apparently, last year a third grader was expelled from the same school for coming to school with a birthday cake and a knife her grandmother provided to cut it.  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LITTLE ONE.  YOU'VE JUST BEEN EXPELLED BECAUSE NANA THOUGHT YOUR CAKE SHOULD BE CUT BEFORE EATING IT.  ENJOY YOUR SEPARATION FROM EDUCATION AND SOCIETY AT LARGE.

I have a few questions for these school administrators.  First off, what the hell is happening in Newark, Delaware that they need to hold 6-year old kids to a zero tolerance policy that requires them to go to reform school for bringing a camping tool or knife to cut a cake to school?  REFORM FROM WHAT?  I recommend reform for these administrators because they are over-reactive, paranoid head jobs that need to come back to earth.  If there is a problem with knives with birthday cakes, enforce a rule that has parents bringing in the cake and cut it.  Or, how about cupcakes?  Everyone loves cupcakes and there are no knives required.  And the camping tool "problem"?  How about you just confiscate it and have his parent pick it up?  Or, they could always go the other way.  Take all of the pencils away because, you know, they have sharp edges and some kindergartener could go postal and stab the teacher in the foot.  Maybe they should ban scissors, too.  Some second grader may get the need to cut a bitch.   Let's get rid of the staplers, too.  You never know when some pesky 4th grader might viciously staple someone to death.  And since we can't trust the teachers, either, we should take away all of their sharp implements as well.  Sorry, Mrs. Crabtree, no letter openers for you, because you might accidentally fall and stab Sally Sunshine in the tummy.  And forget about your smoke breaks, hand over that lighter!  We don't need you burnin' down the school now, you hear?  

I realize I've gone a bit far here, but you get my point.  How far is this all going to go?  How long are we going to allow everything to scare us into living in a hole away from "danger".  I hate to tell people, but the world isn't that much different.  The difference now is press coverage.  We watch the news and become afraid of everything.  We agonize over the tiniest shit now and it's hindering the quality of life across the board.  I'm not saying some of it isn't justified to a degree, but how the hell do we raise our children to be risk takers if we can't do the same?  We don't need the Taliban or anyone else to terrorize us because we're doing a fine job of it on our own.  

God forbid our kids feel the tiniest bit of pain, disappointment, heartbreak, anger or discomfort.  Don't walk over there, Johnny...you might fall!  Sally, stay close to me!  Don't climb on that, you'll fall and break your neck!  How many of us climbed trees, walked along the tops of fences, rode our bikes in the streets and ended up just fine?  It's like we've gone from a society that accepts 90% risk to one that is obsessed with the preventing the other 10%.  Self-preservation is understandable, but at a certain point it goes too far.  And this school did just that.

There is a reason I am writing about this.  I think this story should serve as a cautionary tale.  Not as a lesson about "weapons", but as about where we are headed as a species if we don't stop self-terrorizing.  I'm not saying we shouldn't make informed decisions, as we all should.  I am, however, saying that we need to tread carefully and make sure we are not raising a future society filled with decayed minds and empty lives.  Let your kid climb that fence....and let him fall.  He'll thank you for it later.

Once again, my extended family confirms why I've excluded them from my life all these years.  (Reasons why I can't stand these people can be found here and here.)  The sector of fuck-ups I wish to reference today are my mother's sisters.  It's been a long time since these women got under my skin, but I've officially had it up to my eyeballs.  I was rejected pretty much because I was born.  Plain and simple?  Not so much.  It took one venomous bitch and five idiots so willing to believe her to set this into motion.  It's time I turned the fucking tides.

I've deciding I'm writing one single letter, publicly addressing everything.  The rumors, the infighting, the years of bitterness.....I'm fucking done with these people.  I'm going to have my say, tuck them back into the dark corner they came from and never deal with this again.  I told my mother that this is why I don't have these people in my life and she is finally starting to see the light.  I didn't care for them then, I don't care now.....and they will finally hear it from me.  I already know how I'm going to deliver the message.  I know what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it.  I know how much of a shit storm this will cause, too.  In fact, I'm counting on it.  Let the tongues wag.  My words will be in black and white, plain as day for the entire family to see.  For once in their gossip-driven existence, they will not be able to mince words.  May they eat them just the same.

"Say goodbye, it's such a horror

My memories, there's nothing harder

Anger and hatred fill the page

So smash the walls, it's time to rage"

-A.D.I/The Horror Of It All by Anthrax, 1987

I've come to the conclusion that as much as I would like to leave those high school insecurities behind, they find a way to rear their ugly heads every once in a while.

Nothing of note happened, really.  I was playing games on Facebook, where I have all of my real life childhood/high school friends.  Sometimes I look at their status updates and for whatever reason I am whisked back to the days of never quite fitting in.  Don't get me wrong, I had friends.  I'm actually still close to a few of them.  However, I still get these feelings of inadequacy when I see their updates.  I suppose an easy lateral would be that it's a direct reflection of how I feel today.  Their lives appear to be in control, with jobs, money, good looks and such, where mine is a day-to-day struggle with money, health problems and no job.  But it's not just that, either.  

I'm different from them.  I was different then and I'm different now, but on another level altogether.  I've come to use the internet as a way of expressing myself in as raw a state as possible.  It's cathartic in ways I can barely express.  When I express myself in this manner on Facebook?  Completely different reaction than I get here.  Naturally, I've been blogging here a long time so it goes without say that some will be taken back by my words.  Still, it's strange to see some of the reactions I get.  

It makes me wonder if it's me, or it's them.  Maybe a little bit of both.  I've been honest on Buzznet in a way I haven't been anywhere else in many years.  I feel comfortable unleashing the rage/sadness/bitterness/sarcasm here.  People here understand that a person isn't necessarily having a breakdown if they rant hardcore or cry emo into their journal.  My real life friends on Facebook?  A different story altogether....and I've known the particular people I am referring to most of my life.  It's not like I haven't been known to rage or purge my feelings in real life.  It's one of my telling traits, to be totally blunt about it.  So why the big surprise on their part?  Is it because we don't see each other on a regular basis?  Is it because they are wrapped up?  Is it me?  

Really...is it me? 

Maybe I am nuts.  Maybe I am certifiable.  Last time I wrote a journal there, I poured out my feelings of frustration.  Life had me in a tight spot and I sorely needed the vent.  The results?  One friend telling me I should go to a house of worship to help quell the inner beast and another one got on the phone with a friend because she was frightened for me.  Truthfully, the second friend was completely in her right because we hadn't talked in 15 years and she had no idea what was up with me.  I talked to her and explained to her that this is what I do when I need to vent.  No filters, pure rumenation.  The other friend?  I thought she would know better.  She is a person I was once very close to and she's backed away from me.  Somehow, my shit storm of emotions might bring her down.  She also emailed me to say that she was there for me if I needed to talk.  I simply said "Thanks" and walked away from it.  I can't share myself with someone whom I've known since I was 7 that will simply tell me to go to church when I am at my wits end.  It's not bad advice, but it's impossible to connect with someone who distances themselves from you when you are at your most vulnerable.  I can't say I'm surprised, as it was always more of a one-sided friendship anyway.  When she had her crises, I was there by her side.  When it comes to me, it's like I'm some radioactive force that shouldn't be approached.  I'm going to be 36 years old this year.  The older I get, the more I ascribe to the old adage "I'm too old for this shit."  And I truly am.

Perhaps it was a bad move to post any blogs on Facebook.  The most fucked up part about it is it feels like a rejection.  So many of us blog because what we feel can't be said to the people in our real lives....or in many cases, we don't want to.  It's like high school.  The minute I post something that freaks people out, the feelings of inadequacy come back.  Suddenly, I am 14-years old again, getting laughed at or ridiculed because they think I'm a freak.  So I default to the knee-jerk reaction of going silent to avoid further scrutiny....and I hate it.  

Again, I'm getting older.  With age, I have developed a lower threshold for bullshit than ever before.  Perhaps as they get older, they have a lower threshold for mine.

Fair enough.  

Dear Anonymous:

I'm tired of grown men like you who get butt hurt about something I said and then hide in a corner or expect me to stroke your bruised ego back to it's arrogant state.  Is it my fault you are clocking near the 40 mark and burned your brain all these years into a bigoted oblivion?  When you use phrases like "kike", "dyke" and "nigger" in public forum, I'm going to express my concern and displeasure.  You weren't always this hateful.....what happened?  I always thought highly of you...now, I have no idea what to think.  I want to keep calling you friend, but I can't abide this.  I won't. 

I'm not asking you to completely revamp your mind in a nanosecond and conform to what I consider to be ideal or "correct".  All I ask is for you to ask yourself why you hold such hatred.  I've known you too long, I know that underneath your exterior lies a sensitive and caring person.  My friend.  So please, don't allow such hatred to fester.  It taxes the soul and robs you of your conscience.  At least think on it, if only for tonight. 

Blessed be,

Your lifelong friend. 

I'm just going to give fair warning up front:

I AM GOING TO FANGIRL OUT IN THIS POST, WITHOUT APOLOGIES.

It's not often that a band comes along, blows me away and becomes part of my soul.  I know, very cliche' sounding, but true nonetheless.  Instead of giving you a largely technical and vanilla write-up about their career, I decided to recount my journey to loving this amazingly talented British trio.  

I first heard of Muse, believe it or not, from Patrick Stump.  I was watching a countdown of favorite videos on Youtube and his was "Knights Of Cydonia".  

I thought the beginning of both the video and song were so weird I just clicked it off.  I thought Patrick was having an aneurysm or something because he sang the praises of this band.  After that, I gave them not a second thought.  That is, until my friend Mimi talked about going to see Muse in Mexico.

No One's Gonna Take Me Alive

I then had second thoughts about Patrick's aneurysm, because Mimi has stellar music taste.  Nonetheless, it remained a passing thought and I went on with life.  Then, Santa Claus brought something interesting into our lives:

86 Days....

Having an 8-year old son has it's privileges....like indulging my your inner child.  While playing on Christmas Day, my son started playing Assassin.  THAT got my attention.  I absolutely loved the song the first time I heard it.  This is when I decided to take a closer look at Muse.  I went to Youtube and looked them up.  I watched "Assassin" live and was blown away by how good they performed live.  Living in the age of Autotune, I don't expect many bands to actually "sound" like themselves while performing live.  These guys?  A different story altogether.  The next video I played was "New Born".  This is where everything changed:

It was, literally, love at first listen.  The magical tinkling of pianos complimented by a warm, soothing bass.  Matt's gentle voice building to an explosion of heavy, frenetic guitars and deep, twanging bass that harkens to the "Evil Empire" era of Rage Against The Machine.  As a rabid fan of rock, metal and classical I fell off the deep end, completely and irrevocably in love.  I immediately went to my iTunes and downloaded the album "Origins Of Symmetry".  Just when I thought "New Born" was pure perfection, I listened to the rest of the album.  "Bliss" is self-descriptive.  "Citizen Erased" thick and lush.  Space Dementia...GAH, this song is gorgeous.  Think Rachmaninov meets 90's alternative rock in outer space.  The tense, dour verses and impassioned piano movements give way to a chorus of subdued falsetto, only to throttle you back from whence you came.  The rest of the songs on this album?  Incredible.  In my very humble opinion, this album belongs in your music collection.

From there I bought a couple more of their albums.  Absolution.  Black Holes And Revelations.  Allow me to add these to the list of albums you must have in your collection.  Although I don't own all of their albums (yet), I plan to buy more.  I can honestly say, I can't remember the last time I was that impressed with a band's body of work.  It's unfortunate that so many American people only know Muse because "Supermassive Black Hole" is in Twilight. (over in Europe, these guys are a big deal, and with good reason)  As much as I love that song, they have so many other great songs that deserve listening.  Dark Shines, Megalomania, City Of Delusion....actually, I can't think of a song that doesn't deserve a listen.  

Honestly, I could write a million reasons why you should listen to these guys, but part of the joy of music is discovery so by all means explore the sights and sounds Muse has to offer.  If you enjoy them half as much as I do, then my work is done here.

Muse will be making their American television debut on the MTV Music Awards on September 13th, performing their first single from their upcoming album, The Resistance.  The Resistance drops on September 14th.

  
MUSE

Quiz taking from Boz' journal. 

Honestly, I didn't put a great deal of thought into this.  I decided to go on my knee jerk reaction to each question and pick the first song that came to mind.  Let's play.....

1. Song that mentions (at least) one city: NYC by Interpol

2. Song from your childhood or song that makes you think of your childhood because of the lyrics: Wonderful by Everclear (this doesn't represent exact details, but definitely one song that makes me think of my home life)

3. X-Mas song: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses

4. Song that makes you think of a person that means a lot to you:  Silent Lucidity by Queensryche

5. Male/female duet: If I Close My Eyes Forever by Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne (why the hell did I think of this one?)

6. Song you've formerly misunderstood the lyrics to:  Live Wire by Motley Crue (no lyrics of note, pretty much the whole song)

7. Song with 'rock n roll' or 'rock' or 'roll' in the title: Planet Rock by Afrika Bambataa & Soul Sonic Force

8. Song that comforts you: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

9. Song with a hidden meaning (like sex, drugs etc): Mr. Tambourine Man by Bob Dylan

10. Cover song (that you like more than the original): All Along The Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix

11. Song you used to hate/not like but grew to love/like: Knights Of Cydonia by Muse

And for extra credit ...

12. An instrumental song: The Call Of Ktulu by Metallica

I don't have a BOX account and I wasn't feeling all that ambitious, so I compiled a playlist instead.  I hope this will do!

In my experience, not many people know who Luscious Jackson is. It's a shame, really, because these girls put out some great music back in the 1990s. Although I would love to get into their names, ties to the 80's post punk scene, their relationship to the Beastie Boys and the reason for their ultimate demise, I will get right to the music. Let's do this....

Luscious Jackson are mostly known for their alternative radio hit "Naked Eye". Their music style is eclectic, mixing elements of jazz, hip-hop, alternative rock and pop flavored with the multicultural influences of their native New York City. This unique mix of influences gives them a distinct sound that is decidedly urban, delivered with a feminine touch that is never "girly"....and I mean that in the best way humanly possible.

Breathy vocals, hip-hop beats, warm bass lines and funky keyboards were a regular part of their creative repertoire, but they always borrowed freely from whatever inspired them. Their range is most apparent in songs like the ultra-urban funk of "City Song", the pop-influenced groove of "Naked Eye", the old school hip-hop beats of "Let Yourself Get Down" their distortion-rich, low-fi tribute to vinyl in "LP Retreat" and their new wave/hard rock inspired "Fantastic Fabulous".

Honestly, I can't help but love this fearless foursome (yes, I went there.) These ladies not only thought outside the box musically, they delivered with beautiful results. Although they only released three studio albums, their catalog represents the what is musically possible with so many influences in such a small space. While I don't expect you all to love them as much as I do, I can't help but hope that you will.

note:  EMI disabled embedding of LJ's videos on Youtube, so here are the links:

Citysong

Deep Shag

Naked Eye

Ladyfingers

This rant isn't about sex...it's about the F Word.

Not Fuck.

Fat.

I was flipping stations in my Jeep a little while running errands with my mother. They were reporting live from Washington at the NAAFA Convention (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance). I heard arguments from both sides of the fence and, quite frankly, I think I would have imploded had I been sitting there for that conversation. Now I'm not delusional. I am very obese and I understand how it affects my health all too well. I admit that freely and I would never argue that. However, I am contesting the polarizing ideal that all fat people are the same and should be categorized as thus. The last time I checked, not every thin person is healthy, so why should we assume that every fat person is unhealthy? Not all thin people are created equal, so it only makes sense to assume the opposite is true as well.

I have questions for those pro-health/anti-fat "professionals":

-Why is it that I am morbidly obese with a 177 cholesterol reading and my friend that is lean and fit has high cholesterol? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

-Although I was much smaller in high school, I was still considered overweight according to WHO standards. I ran 3 miles at the beach with my friend, while it was snowing. Why did my leaner, more toned friend gasp for air and stop a dozen times along the way? Granted, I had youth on my side, but shouldn't my friend have done better than me by those standards?

And lastly, do you consider the ramifications of your public polarization of fat people? It's bad enough that many of us have a hard time getting the job because we may not be as visually pleasing to the eye as the newbie college grad in the lobby, now you are handing out "professional opinions" that give employers license to discriminate. FUCK YOU for doing that to us. Most of us are just like anyone else, possessing reasonable levels of intelligence, many employable skills and making positive contributions to society. I'm tired of people like you looking at us like we don't have brains in our heads because we are fat. Didn't your mother ever teach you not to judge a book by it's cover? There are as many reasons for being fat as there is for being skinny. For shits and giggles, I'll list some examples:

Reasons one might be thin:

lifestyle

genetics

drugs

alcohol

eating disorder

surgery

health problems/disability

medication

Reasons one might be fat:

lifestyle

genetics

drugs

alcohol

eating disorder

surgery

health problems/disability

medication

Hopefully, I've made my point. If it isn't patently clear by now what I'm trying to say to the "pros" out there, allow me to be more clear: STOP THE ANTI-FAT CAMPAIGNING. IT DOESN'T HELP YOUR AGENDA IN ANY WAY. IT ONLY SERVES TO POLARIZE MANY PRODUCTIVE, INTELLIGENT CITIZENS BECAUSE OF THEIR APPEARANCE AND ENCOURAGE DISCRIMINATION AGAINST SAID PEOPLE. IF YOU WANT TO BE A CRUSADER FOR HEALTHIER CITIZENS, START WITH THOSE WHO HAVE NO FOOD, HOME, JOB OR HEALTH INSURANCE.

/capslockrape

For those of you who got this far, thank you for reading my rant. I do have a personal vested interest in this issue, but this isn't all about me. I'm passionately against anyone who prejudges people based on their appearance, be it the color of their skin, how much skin they have, etc. The next time you see a heavy person, ask yourself this:

-Can I tell by looking at this person if they are on a diet? The reason for this question is that a person could have lost 50 lbs and still have more to go. You can't tell by looking at them, yet they are on their way to their happy weight.

-Is this person less deserving of respect, kindness or employment because of their size? And if so, why? If you actually ask yourself this question and come up with an answer, let me know. I'm truly interested in whatever you come up with. and finally:

-How would I want to be treated if I were that person? No brainer, if you ask me....

Love to all of my fat, skinny and in-between friends. Instead of inserting a "it's the heart that matters" sentiment, I ask you to join me in a big two-cheek salute to the idiots in Washington. I'll even bring the lipstick...

note: Here's an eye-opening link for those who are not well-versed in the struggle obese people have with the current health system. http://www.naafaonline.com/dev2/about/Brochures/WeightBiasPolicyRuddReport.pdf

I feel like shit tonight.

I saw a nutritionist this week and was put on an elimination diet.  Given my GI history, we need a baseline of sorts to see if we can figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.  So far it's been ok, but I've been feeling like fucking crap.  I hate writing this, but I'm frightened.

I'm very fucking scared because I've been so damned inactive.  My sleep has been shit, so my energy has been shit.  If that isn't bad enough, I'm very worried about some symptoms I've been having.  Getting the shakes if I don't eat enough, feeling confusion....I distinctly remember these symptoms when I had gestational diabetes.  I am frightened that I have it and I don't know what to do.  I've had other symptoms as well.  I talked to my doctor about them but he didn't seem concerned.  I think I have to write him a note and follow up.  I'm so fucking frightened that I'm too late to help myself and that I'm about to go down shits creek, sans paddle.

On the brighter side of things, the diet is really helping with my GI discomfort.  It's not perfect, but it's enough of an improvement to make me stand up and take notice.  As much as it's a comfort to me that I might be headed in the right direction, the other symptoms have me rattled.  This, of course, could explain my crappy sleep. 

I need to call my doctor in the morning.  I need to find out what's up.

I started a new blog inspired by an idea I had years before I even knew what a blog was.

Many years ago, a work associate and I had a long talk while walking to our cars. At the time I was up to my eyeballs in depression. My panic disorder was barely in check, I hated my job and I felt completely alone. We had a discussion about how many people deal with this kind of stuff on a daily basis. I told her that I would love to get a book together, compiling anonymous journal entries by people about their struggles in life. The idea behind this was that the writers could express their deepest thoughts anonymously, while the readers could take it all in and maybe feel a bit less alone. Not a perfect idea by any stretch, but you get the idea. For the past couple of years I've turned myself inside out publicly. I've posted over 350 entries here, expressing my rage and vulnerability equally with honesty. I realize that not everyone wants to admit their innermost feelings aloud, but sometimes that is exactly what we need...and now people have a chance to do just that.

I created a blog called Confession Booth 2.0. This is a public blog where people can email their submissions anonymously and I will post them publicly for everyone to see. Comments will be enabled for people to leave feedback so the writers can check their own posts. Sometimes, we want feedback with the benefit of discretion, sometimes we just need to get something off our chests. I assure you, everything will be kept with the utmost confidence. I will NEVER divulge any information to anyone. It's not what this is about. I am all about discretion, freedom of expression and honesty. If you want to submit to this blog, send your anonymous entry by email to keyboardconfessionblog@gmail.com. You may submit regular journal entries, anonymous letters, confessions, etc. For those who wish to simply follow it, the web address if confessionbooth20.blogspot.com.

I don't know if this quite describes my life at this moment, but it certainly describes the song I'm listening to.  I've had my share of ups and downs, but who hasn't.  Jake came down sick before the ass crack of dawn and 3 kids were dropped off for a day of babysitting at 6 a.m.  A 5-year old tried to steal my kids quarters.  Another told lies.  The boy said barely anything at all....and they are my family. 

I love these kids.  I wish I could be in their lives more.  I try to be a positive part of their lives, but damage has been done and it breaks my heart.  Their parents were too young and too stupid to be having kids.  They are much better parents now than than they were years ago, but like I said...damage has been done.  And honestly, I don't think it will be undone.

The boy who barely talks....you can tell he's been to hell and back.  It's not that he never has light in his eyes, but it's not there as much as it should be.  Unlike his parentage, he's highly intelligent, analytical and creative.  This kid will easily be an architect, engineer or something along those lines.  I don't know if his parents see that, but if they do it isn't encouraged.  I had to give his grandfather advice on what to give him for a Christmas gift this past year and he sees the boy way more than I do.  And that's just the boy.  I think talking about the other two would just give me an aneurysm.  Speaking of....

Anyone else think the media is massively hypocritical about Michael Jackson's death?

I told myself I wasn't going to talk about this and give the issue more attention, but I have something to say about it.  The media outlets were more than happy to bury this guy alive with an epic fuckload of attention to the scandal that became his life.  The media smells blood and they are all over it, especially if it's bleeding from a fatal wound.  I understand that it's the media's job to report what's going on in the world, but did we really need a rehash about the sexual abuse allegations in the middle of the day during summer vacation?  Turn on the television or radio and you will hear one of two things:  1) He's venerated as though he's Jesus Christ himself or 2) The scandal that became his life is retold over and over and over again until you want to vomit.  Did these people forget that Farrah Fawcett died also?  Granted, she hasn't been as controversial as Michael Jackson, but she doesn't deserve to have her death buried beneath the sensationalizing of Michael Jackson's death.  If it were up to me they would all shut the fuck up and let these people rest in peace.  Both of them left behind family, friends and children that would appreciate the opportunity to mourn in peace, without all of this 24 hour coverage in our faces.  This represents everything I can't stand about the media.  Sensationalize and cheapen the shit out of someone, cash the check and bury your remains next year once someone more bankable than you comes along.  While I'm in a ranting mood, I'd like to take issue with some other public figures.

Certain musicians are taking issue with the music gaming industry that is Guitar Hero and Rock Band.  I will be the first to admit I love these games...and I'm not going to apologize.  My son and I have a lot of fun playing them, we have neighborhood kids over to play and we love the music.  Here are some of the quotes musicians have made about music gaming:

"It's depressing to have a label come and tell you that is how kids are learning about music and experiencing music. If you have to be in a video game to get in front of them, that's a little sad." - Jack White

Jack, why is it depressing?  Is it depressing because you envision kids everywhere glued to the tv all day, or is it sad that you can't make as much cash in album sales as you could if you licensed your music to a corporate enterprise for what you consider cheap entertainment?  I can see why this would harsh your rock n' roll ethos, but I'm sure you aren't in this purely for the art.  Most people don't try to have two bands to cash in on.  On top of that, why does it matter to you how kids become exposed to your music?  Most good musicians like yourself get lost in the cacophony of Disney outfits and regurgitated hip-hop beats.  Sorry I'm coming down on you Jack, but you have to see the light.  We're in an age of gadgets and technology, like it or not....and you benefit from it just like everyone else.  It's fine, have an opinion and express it just like everyone else does, but be sure you don't end up eating your words and selling yourself out.

Meanwhile Page said that he can't imagine kids are really learning anything significant about playing instruments through video games. "You think of the drum part that John Bonham did on Led Zeppelin's first track on the first album, 'Good Times, Bad Times,'" he said. "How many drummers in the world can play that part, let alone on Christmas morning?"

source

Ok, Jimmy....I can't disagree with you on this one.  I know there are people who think Zeppelin is shit, but I find it truly amazing myself.  However, I have to argue a critical point not mentioned here...and that's interest.  Anyone in their right mind knows that playing a video game does not make them an expert in whatever medium the controller takes on screen.  I played Duck Hunt when I was a kid, but that doesn't mean I thought I could shoot a gun.  This might be a bit of a stretch, but I think you get my point.  Anyway, there is something to be said for a kid getting interested in music.  I'll ask this question again:  Why does it matter how a child gets exposed to music?  Not every child is lucky enough to have parents who are interested in the arts, nevermind musically-inclined.  You have a right to your opinion, but I think you are missing the point.  There is a reason why foundations like Save The Music were started.  Music education is incredibly important to a child's overall education.  I'm not trying to say music gaming is at all in the same arena as Save The Music, but they both have their own way of bringing interest and awareness to the table when it comes to music.  If a child learns to enjoy music and makes it part of their life then all is well, whether they choose to pick up an instrument or not.  Either way, it's a far better alternative to gun play whether it's of the virtual or toy variety.  It's ok that you don't want to license your music out, but don't bag on the kids who have learned to enjoy music in this way.  If you dislike it that much, offer us an alternative solution.  Otherwise, you should probably stick to enjoying your retirement.

"I don't ever want to be the kind of guy who rails against whatever progress has taken place. But Guitar Hero was devised to bring the guitar-playing experience to the masses without them having to put anything into it. And having done both, there's nothing like really playing guitar. I mean, what would you rather drive, a Ferrari or one of those amusement-park cars on a track?" - John Mayer 

Good point, John.  I do prefer the Ferrari myself.  I also prefer a real AK-47 to the fake shit in those military games.  I really want to put my all into it, you know?  Srs bsns.  My family has locked away the Super Mario games because they are afraid that I might end up bringing home little mushroom men.  Sorry, this answer was crying out for sarcastic response.

"I just think it's more important that kids learn how to actually play the guitar." - Prince

Great idea!  Apparently there are other kids that feel the same because a recent poll shows an increase in children taking music lessons due to exposure to games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band. And it's not just happening in the States.

Although I think these games are wonderful, I know that trouble lurks.  With the development of DJ Hero and Band Hero (not kidding, look it up on guitarhero.com) overexposure is but a short leap away.  As irritating as this will become in the future, right now we can simply enjoy ourselves with a type of gaming that is non-violent, can be enjoyed by all and encourages an interest in music.  If I were to offer any words to these musicians, I would ask them to open their eyes.  Any child that is being raised properly knows that these games are no substitute for playing real instruments.  The fact that more kids are buying instruments and taking lessons because of their exposure to these games is testament to that fact.  Don't get so stuck on the means of delivery that you miss the point:

"Guitar Hero is a great gateway drug to real music," said James Hetfield. "If you've got the music bug, nothing's gonna stop you. It's your destiny to express your gift."

Enough said.

I should be in bed right now.  I should be sleeping peacefully, resting up for a day of errands tomorrow.  It's Jake's birthday and I have some preparations to attend to while he's at school.  Instead of sleeping I'm here listening to music.  Nirvana, Weezer, GNR, Muse, Ozzy, Johnny Cash....it's somehow soothing at this late hour.  Can't explain it, it is what it is.

Can I really expect my son to be disciplined if I'm not?  Can I really teach him to do as I say and not as I do? 

Fuck it, I'm babbling.  Goodnight.

Tonight I had a talk with one of my cousins.  I haven't seen her in many years, yet we talk like it's only been an hour since we last saw each other.

We talked about our kids.  She has a son that is 14 years old.  He's had 18 open heart surgeries since he was born.  He's due to have 2 more this year alone.  He's 14.  Smart as a whip but possesses poor motor function due to his medical issues.  He's stubborn.  He insists on doing all of his homework even when he's physically exhausted.  He can't run around.  He can't play at recess or gym.  He has no friends because he is in special education, which presents a barrier for him.  And he is not expected to live past 20 years old.

I feel guilty for how many times I've cried foul in my journal.  For every single time I felt bad for myself I want to kick myself in the ass.  This child....this 75 lb child with the drive and spirit to live is trapped by his own biology.  He knows that he will be dying in the next few years, but there is no exact date.  Everyday is a gift for him and his family.  He comforts his mother by telling her that he will be in heaven when he dies...and that he will see her when her time comes.  He does not want anymore doctors, surgeries or anything else.  He just wants to live out his days peacefully, no matter how many there might be.  He doesn't want a heart transplant and his mother isn't making him have one.  It would only give him more problems than he has right now and, as his mother said, it would be cruel and selfish of her to force him because it would be only for her benefit.

This reality is so close to home for me, I can't help but be affected by it.  At some point, I will be attending the funeral of my young cousin who is braver than me on his worst day.  His family will experience grief on a level most of us can't begin to imagine.  I can't help but reflect on my own behavior.  All those times I cried foul into my journal.  The bitching I've done about insignificant shit...and 99.9999% of it is.  We expect our kids to outlive us, not the other way around. As a parent it's fucking frightening prospect to think we might outlive our children.  Unless you are a parent, you can't possibly understand the mindfuck of emotions that come along with that thought.  I wish I could have hugged my cousin tonight.  Instead, she asked me to pray for her son....and I will.

At this ungodly hour I have a different perspective on my life.  It's really not all that bad.  It could be so much fucking worse, truly.  Instead, I am counting my blessings and praying for my little cousin.  I want him to live.  I want him to get as much out of his short life as he can.  I will pray for him to beat the odds.  May him and his family find riches in miracles.

Mix together elements of acid house, jazz and hip-hop. Add a flair for experimentation and a passion for breaking the rules.

The result? Portishead.

I'm never surprised to hear that one hasn't heard of Portishead. Their aversion to press coverage is no secret among fans, but let me tell you something. If you've never heard them before, today is your day. 

They've released only 3 studio albums since 1994, but each album is rich with creativity and sonic beauty. Beth Gibbons' haunting and gorgeous vocals are angelic, conveying feelings despair, loneliness and frustration about the complications of human connection.  Morbid, disturbing sounds, eerie melodies, spine-tingling pianos and rich bass lines are definite hallmarks of their sound.  Although they are categorized as Trip-Hop, they blur together so many styles, instruments and techniques that it becomes a sound that stands all on it's own.  And just when you think you have them figured out, they change their sound.  Where most musical acts fail, Portishead succeeds in being consistently inconsistent.  Their sound tends to drift like a breeze, borrowing from and manipulating whatever it happens to pass along the way.  And it doesn't matter what direction it takes because this band has the talent to make whatever they touch into something amazing.

Bottom line? Listening to Portishead is like an instant acid trip.  Their music will wrap around your brain stem and take you through the cosmos while breathing eerily down the back of your neck.  It is a spooky, seductive mind-screw that will take you to the brink of insanity and back...and you will come back for more.  So do yourself a favor....plug in your headphones, turn out the lights, close your eyes and give the music list below a listen.  Let the ambient amazement of Portishead transport you to another place.   You won't be sorry you made the trip.

I don't know what it is.  Or why.  I just don't give a shit anymore. 

All I see are the same things, day in and day out.  I have no drive to reach out to anyone.  Everything bores me into a coma except for my child.  Is something wrong with me?  Is it just a middle phase where I am transitioning?  It's uncomfortable, but in a good way.  The kind of discomfort that makes you take off your shoe when you feel something rattling around in there.  

The only thing I seem to give a shit about anymore is my kid.  Everything else is secondary, but to an exponentially lower degree than before.  Like I care about how Jake is adjusting to public school.  I care about my mother's upcoming eye surgeries.  That's pretty much it.  I don't care about my husband's full-time World Of Warcrack addiction.  I don't care about my marriage.  I don't care about pretty much anything that happens outside of these walls.  Signs of deepening depression or clarity of priorities?  I won't even contemplate the answer at this ungodly hour.  

My panic disorder has taken over my life again.  Fear of driving long distances.  Fear of hot weather.  Fear of returning to work. 

Fear. 

Fear.

Fear.

FEAR.

fear.

So many fears, so little time to actually deal with them all.  It's hard to be brave right now, yet I could care less.  I don't want to go back to work and deal with people's opinions on my size.  I don't want to have a full-blown panic attack in some city garage because I'm afraid to get out of my car.  I don't want to deal with this GI illness of mine anymore.  I don't even want food anymore.  Nothing brings me comfort anymore....and it would scare me if I felt like I cared.  I sought counseling not too long ago, but I never went back after the first appointment.  I know I need it, but I have no idea what to say.  My doctor increased my dosage a while ago, but I never actually took the increase prescribed.  I think it's time that I do. 

I don't want to merely exist as some ambivalent waste of space.  Right now I am looking at my son, fast asleep on my pillow.  He's the only reason I ever push to make myself better.  I'm not vain, nor am I driven by wealth or status.  Having him gave me a purpose in life that I didn't have before.  Children have a way of grounding you, putting your priorities where they need to be.  When you aren't driven by being good to yourself, you find yourself driven by the desire to help this little person prepare for the world that awaits them.  The most unexpected of gifts I received in parenthood was the gift of self-parenting.  Many times when I'm educating Jacob, I am really educating myself.  Reminding him to brush his teeth reminds me that I have to take care of myself, whether I follow through or not.  Educating him on how to handle bullies helps me realize that I have everything I need inside of me to survive, whether I employ it or not. 

Maybe someday I will be motivated by my own desire for happiness.  Maybe.  Until that day comes, I will do it all for him.  There is a part of me that is hell-bent on making sure that he does well, come hell or high water.  This feeling supercedes everything else in my life, which I am grateful for.  At the very least, I have a small beacon of strength to draw from.

My first challenge for completing this write up was this:

How do I introduce a band that, quite honestly, needs no introduction?



It's not as if anyone doesn't know Metallica's music. Even people who don't necessarily like Metallica know who they are. Thanks to their first mainstream hit "One," Metallica has been a household name since 1989. In the interest of educating potential listeners and honoring this band properly, I'd like to take you readers back to Metallica's earlier years. In my humble (albeit music snob) opinion, Metallica can't be fully appreciated without having some exposure to their early works and where they came from. So let's take a closer look, shall we?

Metallica first started taking form in Los Angeles in 1981. Drummer Lars Ulrich put an ad in the local paper to find other metal musicians. Guitarist James Hetfield responded to this ad and they started playing together. Later on they added Dave Mustaine, who later became famous for his brainchild "Megadeth". Together, with James playing bass, they recorded their first song "Hit The Lights" for compilation album "Metal Massacre" released by Metal Blade Records. It didn't take long for this band to get the attention of the music scene. They made a pivotal move of hiring bassist Cliff Burton and moving from Los Angeles to San Francisco. This is where they picked up Kirk Hammett, firing Mustaine for his erratic drug and alcohol induced behavior.

It's now 1983 and with the line-up complete, they hit the studio and released "Kill 'Em All". Although it was not a commercial success, it was a critical success in the underground music scene. Dark lyrics combined with a flair for balancing the melodic with the frenetic would become the very foundation of their musical style, but each album that followed had it's own unique signature. Ride The Lightning shows a progression from Kill 'Em All's no-frills thrash towards metal epic stylings, where they released their first ballad (Fade To Black) as well as their first all-instrumental composition (The Call Of Ktulu). Their next album, Master Of Puppets, took shots at the military (Disposable Heroes), addressed the insidious nature of drug addiction (Master Of Puppets) and stripped all pretense away from religious ministry (Leper Messiah). The lyrics combined with their darker, slightly-polished compositions resulted in a masterpiece hailed by fans and critics alike. Unfortunately, bass player Cliff Burton was killed in a bus accident just 6 months after Master Of Puppet's release. The rest of the band were devastated, but they soldiered on and hired Jason Newsted of Flotsam And Jetsam as their new bass player. Their first foray into the studio with Jason was to record an EP of cover songs entitled Garage Days Re-Revisited, followed by a video release called "Cliff 'Em All", a video commemorating Cliff Burton's career with Metallica. This video was a treat for fans because Metallica never released videos or singles. The compilation was a mix of bootlegs submitted by fans, tv clips and personal home footage. The band then went back into the studio to record ...And Justice For All. The release of this album brought about many changes. Metallica became a mainstream commodity. They released a single. They released a video. Their music was brought to the masses on a large scale, changing their careers forever.

As any of you reading this knows, change is not always a good thing for fans. I'll admit, I was one of them. I still don't really enjoy listening to ...And Justice For All, but I can see why others do. The songs are more listener friendly while remaining complex and rich. It's a great album, but it lacked the heavy bass lines and straight-forward punch I grew to love. I feel like it's potential was 99% there and fell just short of mastery. But that's just me. Anyhoo...

As you well know, Metallica went on to experience massive commercial success with their self-titled album Metallica (The Black Album). Unfortunately, the grunge wave washed ashore and pretty much decimated the metal scene. Metallica toured heavily for a few years during this time before returning to the studio to record Load. This is the album that would spawn a new era in their career. The music was different. Their style was different. Their hair was different. They gained fans. They lost fans. To this day, they continue to evolve, writing music reflecting their life changes. If there was ever one constant with Metallica, it's that they do exactly what they want. Period. Whether they are changing up their music style, fighting for artists rights or licensing their music for video games, they aren't afraid to disappoint or piss people off, fans and non-fans alike. Ironically, their refusal to conform to the desires and wishes of their fans keeps us coming back for more. Most of us, myself included, are in it for the long haul with Metallica. I hated St. Anger, I loathed Load and wanted to strangle Lars during the whole Napster controversy (didn't they make a shitload of money off the bootlegs of their fans when they released Cliff 'Em All? Nevermind, I digress..) but I still love these guys...and I always will.

I will leave you all with a playlist of what I consider "Metallica essentials", from their earliest recordings up through The Black Album. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/16275424011

Afterthought: It would be remiss of me if I failed to mention the incredibly inspired, and aptly named, bass solo piece called "Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth)". Cliff was known to play his bass like a regular guitar, employing wah-wah pedals and other "lead guitarist" type techniques. He pulled a plethora of tricks out of his hat while recording this, giving us a sonic trip through the creativity of a musician looking to render as many different sounds out of his instrument as humanly possible. I highly recommend that you listen to this track, but watch for your molars if you have it turned up...seriously, you will feel it.

Yesterday was my 2 year Buzzversary.  I know some people celebrate this milestone with pictures, journals, shout-outs....which is great.  It's great way to publicly acknowledge friends, personal growth and such, but I think I'd like to just do what I do best, which streamline my thoughts through the keyboard and see where it takes me.

Right now I'm listening to my current musical obsession, Muse.  I can't possibly express what Muse does to my head.  For me, their music is like a well-seasoned meal with it's flavors in perfect balance.....sweet, savory, bitter, spicy.  My most played songs in my iTunes are the entire Origins Of Symmetry album.  Maybe it's their brilliance.  Maybe it's where I am in my life.  Either way, their music makes me feel.  And no, that sentence isn't missing a word.  Speaking of musical obsessions, that's how I got here to Buzznet.

I can't believe the changes I've been through since I landed here.  I arrived with an unnatural obsession in tow, looking for this guy:

To this day I don't really know why I fixated on him, but I did.  Maybe because he reminded me of my husband?  Or that I just loved his voice?  Matters not, as that period of my life was pivotal.  For years I spent a great deal of time closing myself off from humanity and life in general.  This regression into teenage fandom honored something inside of me that needed attention.  Listening to From Under The Cork Tree was somehow cathartic for me.  It's like these little holes in my inner fabric were somehow stitched up a little bit at a time everytime I listened.  Would the adult in me rather say that a band like Radiohead had that affect on me?  Absolutely.  However, we don't get to pick what speaks to us...and back then that album was screaming to me.  My obsession died long ago, but another spurned quickly upon the heels of that particular demise....photography.

When I was a kid I loved taking pictures.  I would go through rolls of film like water but it would take forever to get them developed because I didn't have the money to do it all at once.  Eventually I put down the camera because of it, but I never lost my love for it.  Brian bought me my first camera as an adult about 10 years ago.  I could afford developing more film, but was completely uninspired so it was packed away for a long time.  Then a few Christmas' ago he got me my first digital.  I took pictures of Jacob galore and not much else (he's still my favorite model).  I started looking at all of the original photography on Buzznet and I found myself inspired.  I started looking at everyday objects differently.  Now I take pictures whenever I can, looking for the extraordinary within the ordinary.  I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true.  Being on Buzznet opened me to having creative outlets again.  However, nothing has been more healing and sanity-saving than my journal.

Writing in this journal has given me a direct outlet for my thoughts and feelings.  I don't plan my journals, I don't edit them much.  Pretty much, what I think and how I think it is how it gets typed.  Working in corporate world since the age of 19 caused a kneejerk reaction to watch everything I said.  Always think before speaking, be tactful and dignified....it made me want to explode.  I've come to realize that I need an uncensored space in life where I can empty out my thoughts and sort through them.  Or not sort through them, depending on my needs.  I've always favored raw material over finishing, rough edges over pristine lines.  I think it has something to do with growing up in a melting pot of cultures and lifestyles.  I thinks flaws are inherently beautiful and make us unique.  It pains me to see people getting plastic surgery just so they can have their bodies look just like everyone else's.  Mind you, I'm not talking about medically necessary plastic surgery or surgery to remove extreme abnormalities...I'm speaking of people who "need" calf muscle implants so that their legs appear more symmetrically balanced.  I think Hollywood has far too much influence on how we perceive ourselves and live our lives.  For God's sake, even the stars don't look like themselves when you take away the spackle, spray paint and Photoshop.  I resent the dissatisfaction so many of us, including myself, feel because we do like ourselves, yet we keep getting banged over the head by ridiculous ideals that tell us we're not proper, healthy, politically correct, etc.  God forbid we be happy with our extra padding, dirty jokes and double-cheese pizza.  If you enjoy guilty pleasures, you're uneducated.  If you hate exercise, you're lazy.  If you like video games you are immature.  If you don't have the Lexus in this commercial you don't have a good life.  To be honest, it raises questions as well as my hackles:

1) Since when are the lives of the rich the standard by which we measure our own lives? 

Understandably, there is some primitive answer in this that regards survival, propagation of species, yadda yadda yadda.  However, we don't need to be rich to survive...or be happy.  A $2000 Louis Vuitton purse is not going to comfort you when your rich husband steps out with another woman.  The same goes for the $10 Walmart variety when Regular Joe decides to cheat on Sally Sunshine.  I won't lie, money helps with the bills and can make certain aspects of life a little easier...but it's no gateway to inner peace and self-acceptance.

2) Even though we know that the Hollywood image is built on lies, why do we buy into it?

I don't have an answer for this one.  Does it go back to our primitive instincts, to have acceptance within social circles that are crucial to our survival?  Are we so dissatisfied with our lives that we want to believe that lie?  Because it gives us a prepackaged light at the end of the tunnel so we don't have to come up with our own?  Are we that afraid of not having what everyone else has?  Or simply afraid of not having?  It seems this question only begets more questions.  All I know is that I'm flat fucking broke and I'm barely affording the life I have....but I'm still not buying the shit Hollywood and corporate advertisers are serving up.  I don't care about couture, mansions and flashy cars.  I care about my family and my health.  I'm a simple woman with a complicated mind and small wishes....and I wouldn't change any of it.

I don't see it happening anytime soon, but I hope someday that people will pay less attention to "societal standards" and more attention to their own.  There is a certain freedom to be found when you stop taking cues from Hollywood, the government, advertisements and your neighbors.  The world opens up and you find that you aren't as unblessed as you think.  You don't have Jimmy Choos, but you can walk on your own two feet.  You don't have a house in the hills, but you have a roof over your head.  And your mother's homecooking is better than any 5-star restaurant in the world. 

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got."  - Sheryl Crow, Soak Up The Sun

Amen.

but I feel like writing, so here I sit.  I've been listening to Portishead and Hope Sandoval tonight.  The contrast between their music reflects much of what I'm feeling right now.  Awake and exhausted.  Hopeful and hopeless.  Heaven and hell. 

Last week we decided to pull my son from private school.  The school no longer functions in the manner it used to, where the negative severely outweigh the positives.  So far this year, my son has been giving the equivalent of one home project per month.  We're not talking small potatoes here, either.  We're talking read two books about it, bibliographies, life-sized cut outs of presidential figures, oral speeches....I'm ready to kill this school.  I didn't have this amount of work in the 3rd grade and I don't think any third grader should have that much on their plate.  I understand that we pay for our kids to get a better education, but honestly....WHAT THE FUCK?

Aside from the insanity of his workload, they've made cuts at the school that were critical.  They no longer have a guidance counselor.  The nurse who had been there for eons, and was loved by all the kids and teachers, left because the administration is fucked.  Did they hire another nurse?  No, they have one come in per-diem.  Oh, did I mention that this douchey principal got on the loud speaker and announced that unless a child was bleeding or dying, they were not to go to the nurses office?  I even heard from another mother that she tried sending some kids in the nurses office back to their classes....children in need of their meds.  I swear, I want to fucking smack this principal.  She sits in the cafeteria at lunch with a microphone, using it to tell the children to be quiet.  BE QUIET AT LUNCH?  IS SHE FUCKING HIGH?  Why the hell should they be quiet?  If my kids workload is any indication, these kids are busting their ass at school to get good grades.  As far as I'm concerned, lunch time is their time to eat, chat with friends, let off steam....not a time for some bitch in a habit to sit and monitor their noise level.  If she doesn't like it she should go straight to her office and stop micromanaging children.  The list of this principal's failures is long and my patience is short.

After reviewing the situation, the decision to put Jacob in public school was a no-brainer.  The bus stop is literally outside my front door.  He would be going to school with the kids from my neighborhood, all of whom he is friends with.  Hot lunch and milk wouldn't have to be paid for in advance (lunch = monthly, milk = yearly!)  I wouldn't have to raise $300 in school fundraisers or buy that option out with cash.  Jake would have way more than 10 minutes of recess.  He could make noise with his friends in the lunch room.  No more uniforms.  No more car line.  NO MORE TUITION.  I spoke with one of the mothers in the neighborhood and she said the schools have been excellent.  One of the reasons I bought my condo in my town was because of their excellent school rating.  I have a good feeling about this and I think Jake is going to be a happier child.  When Jake first started at his current school they had a different principal and the education was excellent.  They gave the kids the latitude to actually be kids.  Now it's more like a fucking bootcamp, only without the sunshine and camouflage.  I'll tell you, I'm going to smile really big when I pick Jake up for the last time from that place.  I can't say goodbye fast enough. 

As irritated as I am with life right now, I remain hopeful.  We have money problems.  My health is still screwy.  I am still having difficulty obtaining and maintaining employment.  My self-esteem is for shit and I haven't had a decent vacation in so long I can't remember the last one I had.  However, my drive to move forward is keeping me going right now.  I have a call in to my mortgage company about possibly refinancing.  I am going to get a Harvard-brains second opinion about everything that is wrong with me.  I am trying to eat less and move more.  I am still pursuing employment and I am 150% determined to somehow get that $1000 to start back to school.  I just chip away at the stuff of life every day and hope that I'll eventually make something happen.  It's not easy, but it's worth it when the breakthough comes. 

May we all break through....

I've been tagged a couple of times, so I might as well finish what I started a couple of weeks ago.  Let the random begin....

10)  One time I got really, really drunk. 

It was my college years and I had a lotta Cap'n in me, along with some coffee liquer, and I heaved a shiteload into my friend's sink.  I leaned my head against her toilet bowl for about 2 hours, yelling at anyone who would listen.  I told my friend that her mother was a douche bag.  I think I yelled that I wanted to see someone's "dick".  The only one as inebriated as I was my friend Patty, the party's host.  At some point I was taken and shoved into the only bedroom onto the floor.  I remember passing out with my head in a wastebasket, then waking up wedged between a wall and a bed, suspended mid-air.  I had about 2 inches of hair hanging out of some ponytail I never put in my hair and my left arm soaking wet.  Surprisingly, I had no hangover.  Even more surprising, the party took place downstairs from my friend's police captain dad's place. 

9)  When I get sick I am an absolute baby. 

I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.  I've been known to tell my husband he's a jerk, kick people out of my room and sometimes cry.  Sad, I know...

8)  When I am angry or hurt, I curse a lot.  When I say a lot, I mean a LOT.

Occasionally a normal word will slip out between curses, but it's not the norm.  Trash mouth.  I haz it.

7)  I was caught trying to light a firecracker when I was a kid. 

I was too young to have either one in my possession, so imagine my surprise when my sister snuck up on me.  Strangely enough, her startling me almost lit the firecracker.  Almost. 

6)  I have a huge crush on Hugh Jackman. 

To me, he is 6'3" of swoon.  By the way, this was taken in my backyard after a private swim in my pool. 

5)  I have a sleep disorder called sleep apnea.  It's a condition where the soft palate in your mouth slides back and blocks your airway, impeding your ability to breath in your sleep. 

Not pretty.  When I had my sleep test I was told that I was getting 66% oxygen and stopped sleeping 123 times per hour.  Before I had this test I would fall asleep at random places, even in public.  The final straw was when I fell asleep behind the wheel on the way to work.  Luckily it was for a split second or I might have hurt someone.  This condition is treated with a CPAP or BiPap machine, which must be used everytime you sleep.  I use mine religiously and function much better because of it.

4)  I was an early bloomer.....

This was confusing, frustrating and I didn't like it one bit.  I hated bras, as I was the only one who wore one in the 4th grade.  Everything else came along early, too.  I wouldn't have minded a few more years without the rack...

3) I am hypercritical of myself.

My self-esteem sucks.  I always think I'm making bad decisions and that I can't do anything right.  I find that I think different than others around me, that I see the world differently.  I wish I could say this is related to my weight, but I've been like this for most of my life.  I don't need anyone else to be critical of me...I do a good enough job of that on my own.  Speaking of weight...

2)  I am morbidly obese.

There are many reasons for how I got this way, many reasons why I haven't taken off the weight yet, and even more reasons why I want to.  I will never give up trying to get myself healthy.  If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then maybe my road to wellness is meant to have the road blocks, pot holes and black ice. 

1) I love Buzznet.

In a million years, I never would have predicted the effect this place has had on me.  I joined this site because for fangirling purposes and found myself inspired and amused.  Funksteena's quiet, yet impactful self-expressions.  Paxgitmo's knack for putting her finger on the heart of a situation (and keeping it there). Ounceofwentz's insatiable quest to smile and appreciate every moment. Sappysuperunkown10's passion for great music. Lexidiem's quirky blogs and intelligent comments. Nessalh's hilarious one-liners in the middle of the night.  Starlorsummers' crappy haiku movie reviews.  Leirdasim's brave, mindblowing work, showing us what true art is.  The QOTD forums that get heated over controversial topics.  Badger fever.   Buzzmakers.  And Mrsstumph, my first Buzznet friend.  I never did delete any of those Yahoo chat sessions.  (Yes, Vanessa....I still have yours too! *evil smile*)

Inspiration.  Release.  Friendship.  This is what Buzznet has been to me.  I'd apologize for digressing from the original topic, but as my good friend MrsStumph would say, "I'm a 35 year old woman and I can do whatever I want!"  So there is my 10.  I'm not tagging anyone, do it if you want to.